Thursday, November 14, 2013

54 Silent Retreat Day 1

As my heart was opening up in high energy accumulated by the group and beautiful train of music to match the vibration, I got into "feeling my feelings" mode, and it broke free by crying.

First, I remembered my families and pets I lost to grieve for, since I was so controlled that I couldn't grieve properly when I lost them. I remembered how I loved them and miss them, and felt sad that I could not face the feelings completely then. I was sobbing, for the first time in so long.

Next, my focus shifted to several people who I had grudges against in the past, felt not loved by, mistreated....and I realized it's vice versa, that all are stories and I didn't love them or I didn't give them a chance to love me.

Tears came gushing out again.
It was me, me, ME who didn't allow love to flow. It's always been me. 
How I wanted to be loved by my own mother as a child!
(I always had hard times with female authority figures at work as a result.)
How I treated my daughter coldly and blaming all to how I was treated by mother and not knowing true maternal love. 
It was all me, and now I can change it finally, after so many times I thought I had "forgiven my mother", which came from a wrong concept that she was separate from me and inferior.

As Lola said "be there for yourself", I was mothering myself instead of blaming, saying "it's OK, it's OK. It was very sad, I know, and it hurt a lot. Now everything is OK."

No fixing.
No figuring out.
Just be.

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