Thursday, February 27, 2014

69 Happy painting

Around Christmas, like a magic, all of a sudden I was able to start painting again.

Besides all the things I appreciate nowadays, this Christmas gift has been the most grateful one so far. It took me so many years to get to this point, although it is just a beginning.

I don't know why, but I'd been feeling guilty or worthless if I could not paint. 
I was always wishing I could find a breakthrough and start painting like maniac day and night, filled with ideas all the time.

But in reality, there was always too much thinking, too much stress, fixed idea that I should paint better or in particular style which should be different from anyone...etc. to be in the way.

I never liked any of my paintings especially the ones that I put for my show in Tokyo. I was under condition, and couldn't open up to paint what I truly was.

Always doubt, ambivalence, uncertainty filtered my color, expression, brush strokes, and dulled down everything.

Now I enjoy painting, and paint because I want to, not because I should. 

I still got to loosen up much more, because I often catch myself getting caught in too much details when I hear a little voice saying, "no, the color should be this way, and the shape should be more that way..." in fear of making "mistakes". 

I want to paint the way it makes me happy, and the way it frees me more. It's like a therapy. I got to keep reminding myself to ENJOY!

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