Monday, February 10, 2014

63 Happy empty-handed, full of hope

Around the same time in June 2013, several incidents happened to me, all related to paternal or male relationships. 

It started with a call from my father's care manager, telling me about aggravation of his symptoms, which meant I needed to make some decisions soon.

The next day, instead of apathy as I always had, this voice/feeling came out for no reasons: "I am so happy to be your daughter!" I was crying on the morning train. 

The following day, my dear old friend passed away on his long journey. Actually I had no idea until I finally learned about that months later, which was another pivotal event for me and it also led me to a new phase of life. (Life is so interesting, isn't it?) 

Also on the same day, someone unforgettable from the past came to contact me to remind me that I still had unresolved feelings. That opened my eyes and made me realize that I was inviting the similar situation again with someone else, and I was actually falling into the same rut. It was very tricky because it seemed so rational and positive, but the truth is it's slowly hurting and killing myself.

I suffered from uncontrollable anger that day. I was scared of letting go of what I thought as "safety net", and having to start all over again. But I wanted to be truly happy eventually, and I knew I had to correct my direction for that.

Meanwhile, there were also good things going on. The family issue from the previous months were taken care of and much improving, and some happy events were taking place on the surface. I focused on whatever was happening to enjoy every moment and handle anything with maximum care, giving no chance for negative "thinking" to sneak in. 

I embraced the grateful and sad feelings together as a whole, and to lift my spirit, I used "Effective Questions" to break through to the brighter side effortlessly. 

And finally, after emptying myself out by dropping everything, no vague expectations or safety nets to hold onto, I felt so LIGHT!

For the first time in my life, I knew how it felt like to feel happy empty-handed but full of hope, ready to grab all the new goodies.

How I was full-handed, afraid of dropping anything.

No comments:

Post a Comment